The Fast Show

Style and content

List of regular characters and sketches

• "Unlucky" Alf, a lonely old pensioner living somewhere in Northern England for whom nothing ever goes right. He often predicts an unfortunate, but obvious, event, only to encounter a worse event as he tries to avoid the first problem. His catchphrase is his resigned "Oh bugger!" as something terrible happens.
• "Anyone fancy a pint?" A man who finds himself in boring or bizarre situations, such as a dinner party where a woman is talking about how she was abandoned as a child and crying about everyone letting her down. Whitehouse then interrupts at the most insensitive moment asking "Anyone fancy a pint?", before he and most of the men in the room leave. One early sketch featured Higson portraying an earnest claymation animator who describes the animation process in excruciatingly tedious detail by moving each feature "just a tiny amount" until Whitehouse's character sneaks away, whispering the punch line. According to an audio commentary as part of the extras in The Ultimate Fast Show Collection, Park loved the sketch and sent copies of it to friends and family that year as a video Christmas card.
• Archie the pub bore. Talks to people in the pub, and when they mention their profession, no matter what it is and however unlikely, he always claims to have had the same profession, saying that it is the "hardest game in the world. Thirty years, man and boy!" He has an obsession with Frank Sinatra, almost invariably steering the conversation towards the singer and weakly singing the title line of "High Hopes", after mentioning how he and his friend Stan fared on a recent fishing trip.
• Arthur Atkinson, parody of 1940s music hall entertainers such as Max Miller and Arthur Askey, played by Paul Whitehouse, introduced by Tommy Cockles, himself a parody of presenters of TV history. Atkinson delivers mostly nonsensical jokes, and repeats his two signature phrases "How queer!" and "Where's me washboard?" This never fails to make the audience laugh. The only exception was a huge scandal caused by Atkinson saying the word "shit" in public. Atkinson's long-suffering sidekick Chester Drawers also appears, usually to an empty theatre, only for it to fill again as soon as Atkinson returns to the stage. Off camera, Atkinson is portrayed as a lecherous bully and sketches in later series feature him struggling to fit into the changing styles of comedy in the 1960s and 1970s
• Billy Bleach, tousle-mopped, interfering pub know-it-all who gets it all wrong, usually ending up with others losing money. His catchphrases include "Hold the bells" and "Someone's sitting there, mate". This character starred in his own series, Grass which was shown on BBC Three, later on BBC Two.
• Bob Fleming, the ageing, incompetent West Country host of Country Matters, who has an extremely bad cough. His surname is a pun on phlegm-ing. Country matters is a Shakespearean euphemism for cunnilingus, from Hamlet. In addition to Bob, two of his friends – Clive Tucker, who cannot stop shouting 'Arse!' and Jed Thomas, who cannot stop sneezing – make regular appearances on his show. These two characters switched names from series 2 onwards.
• Brilliant Kid. In the first draft of the script for the pilot, this character was called Eric and was described as "a young Yorkshire man" but in the series he is never named. He delivers an edited monologue listing everyday things, all of which he declares to be "brilliant!" or "fantastic!" as he walks through a series of random backgrounds during which the quality and format of the images also randomly changes. In one episode he expresses doubt about whether everything really is 'brilliant' or not, and as he is walking through one background, an abandoned funfair, he debates with himself halfheartedly
• Carl Hooper, Australian presenter of That's Amazing, a spoof of pop-science shows. Normally such a person would try to pass off an everyday animal or object as something magical. The one occasion where a guest had a truly amazing story to tell was not able to be broadcast due to the guest's inability to refrain from swearing excitedly while relating the tale
• Chanel 9, a low-budget television channel from a country known only as "Republicca", or full title "Republicca Democratia Militaria" ruled by "El Presidente" who resembles a stereotypical Latin American dictator. The stars, usually Whitehouse, Shearer and Aherne, speak a concocted language loosely based on Italian, Greek, Spanish and Portuguese, mashed together with nonsensical phrases and incongruous English names and words. Early segments featured the Chanel 9 Neus, read by anchormen Poutremos Poutra-Poutros - later Poutremos Poutra-Poutremos and Kolothos Apollonia, followed by the weather forecast with meteorologist Poula Fisch, invariably reporting a temperature for all locations of 45 °C while exclaiming "Scorchio!" with apparent surprise.
• Chip Cobb, the deaf stuntman, a TV and film stuntman who, because of his hearing problems, always mishears his instructions and proceeds to carry them out incorrectly before anyone can stop him, much to the despair of the film crew. In the East Midlands of England, a "chip cob" is a sandwich of chips made with a bread roll.
• Chris the Crafty Cockney, claims to be an incurable kleptomaniac. He is left alone with something valuable and invariably steals it. Because of how upfront he is about his thieving nature, most people tend to believe he is joking. In one sketch, he even alludes to being an actual clinical kleptomaniac and involuntarily steals from his friend Dan after Dan trusts him to watch his newspaper stall, after extensively warning him of the risks involved in doing so.
• Colin Hunt, unfunny and irritating office joker. Very socially inept, he compensates with humour by repeating catchphrases or making other extraneous cultural references ad nauseam, as well as multi-coloured clothing, and never being able to answer a question without adding one nonsensical remark after another.
• Competitive Dad, overcritical and demanding of his kids, he always has to get one up on them.. Day explained in an interview that he had based the idea for the character on a man he noticed in a public swimming pool who challenged his two young children to a race. Day thought he would let them win, but instead he took off and stood on the other end of the pool waiting for his toddler sons to struggle their way across the pool. Day thought of it as "sick".
• Professor Denzil Dexter of the University of Southern California and his various bizarre scientific experiments; bespectacled, long-haired, bearded and highly laid-back.
• Different With Boys, a woman who is assertive and assured when in the company of other women, but becomes coy, giggly and childishly winsome whenever a man enters the room. The character debuted in series 1 during a small segment in the credits, but only became a recurring character later on.
• The Fat, Sweaty Coppers, a squad of police officers who cannot do their job properly as they are extremely overweight due to their constant eating and drinking. Some of these sketches were preceded by a parody of the opening of ITV police procedural The Bill. Two sets of legs would be shown walking down a street, dropping sweet wrappers, disposable cups and fast food containers as they go. Another sketch parodies the movie Speed
• Girl Men Can't Hear, a woman who tries to put forward an idea to a group of men but is completely ignored, only for a man in that group to repeat what she has just said and receive congratulations from the others for having had such a good idea. This character was invented by Weir to parody similar experiences she had had with the men in the Fast Show team.
• I'll Get Me Coat, a socially inept Brummie, who is unable to make any appropriate contribution to a conversation, and disgraces himself with a faux pas before using the punchline and leaving. However, in one sketch his accent disappears as the character tries to upstage his friends as to how middle-class he is.
• I'm not Pissed, a family – mother, father and son – who regularly point out that they are not drunk despite the fact they are taking regular sly swigs from gin bottles, beer cans, and the like hidden throughout the house.
• Insecure Woman, appears in a variety of different locations, usually exclaiming, "Does my bum look big in this?"
• Jesse, a taciturn country bumpkin who exclaims his strange diets, fashion tastes and experiments, in a single sentence "This week, I 'ave been mostly..." - except for one sketch, where he says "This week, I 'aven't been 'ungry."
• John Actor, who plays Inspector Monkfish, the title character in a fictional BBC police drama. Monkfish is a "tough, uncompromising cop" who often exclaims to the nearest woman, "Put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea!". There were variations on the show's format, two examples being Monkfish as a "tough, uncompromising doctor" in "Monkfish M.D." and Monkfish as a "tough, uncompromising vet" in "All Monkfish Great and Small." One Monkfish sketch even crossed over onto Chanel 9 with a promo for a series named after him with his catchphrase spoken in the channels comedic language. Sometime between the end of series 3 and the last episode, John Actor dies yet the series is apparently continuing in the manner of Taggart after the death of the lead actor.
• Johnny Nice Painter, a man who paints a scene, describing all the colours. Whenever he or his wife Katie mentions the colour "black", however, he becomes more and more depressed, eventually going somewhat insane and shouting wildly about the despair of mankind, despite the best efforts of his wife to prevent him from doing so. His appearance is allegedly based on bearded TV painter Alwyn Crawshaw.
• Ken and Kenneth, two tailors in a men's formal wear shop, who bombard potential customers with sexually explicit innuendo about their private life, frequently interjecting the catchphrase "Ooh! Suit you, sir!," much to the discomfort of the customer. They become confused and even frightened in two episodes; one when they get a customer who is gay, and another with a customer who is as willing to talk about sexual deviance as they are. Due to Williams's absence from the online series, his character Kenneth was written out and replaced by Kenton, played by Charlie Higson.
• Louis Balfour, pretentious and ultra laid-back presenter of Jazz Club, based on a blend of Bob Harris and Roger Moore. Seemingly having done his "research", he introduces his guests by comparing them to avant-garde jazz musicians or describing their style/technique by using complex musical phraseology. These guests usually turn out to be utterly talentless "experimentalists", generally to his bemusement. Although he also often appears to appreciate the music, he once followed his apparent appreciation with a look of disgust. His catchphrase "Nice!" was delivered by turning to a different camera for that word only. Later he delivered other words in a similar manner. His jazz characters often have ridiculous names of real places, such as Theydon Bois on drums and Stamford Brook on bass, and Stepney Green, son of Soylent.
• No Offence, a rude, orange-faced South African department store cosmetics saleswoman who has no qualms about informing women of their physical imperfections, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she herself is unattractive.
• "Our" Janine Carr, a teenage mum with a unique world outlook. She refuses to reveal who the father of her baby is because "it's not fair to grass on your headmaster".
• The Offroaders, Simon and Lindsey, despite their unusually high confidence and self-esteem, are useless at their hobby.
• Patrick Nice, a man who tells far-fetched, sometimes odd stories, usually containing an element of extraordinary fortune or success, such as his son winning the Nobel Prize – followed by calmly saying his catchphrase, "Which was nice."
• Ron Manager, a football commentator who speaks in incoherent sentence fragments on randomly divergent trains of thought. He usually appears with interviewer and fellow Scottish commentator Tommy, and whenever a question is posed to Tommy, Ron Manager often begins one of his "stream of consciousness" monologues based on one of the words or names in the question, often finishing with youngsters playing with "jumpers for goalposts". Based on former football manager from the '60s and '70s, Alec Stock.
• Rowley Birkin QC, a retired barrister, tells mostly unintelligible stories at the fireside. Occasionally, his speech becomes coherent for a short while, containing strange phrases such as "The whole thing was made completely out of matchsticks" or "Snake! Snake!" Almost always ends his stories with a sly "I'm afraid I was very, very drunk". In the final episode of series 2, his rambling anecdote appeared to involve a woman for whom he had great affection and ended with a close-up of faint tears on his cheeks, while the usual "very drunk" line was delivered in an unexpectedly moving, sorrowful voice. The character is reprised as a working barrister in the spin-off feature Ted and Ralph. Whitehouse revealed on the UK chatshow Parkinson that the character was based on Andrew Rollo whom he met on a fishing trip to Iceland; Rollo appeared in a Suit You, Sir! The Inside Leg of the Fast Show documentary in 1999, which revealed how closely Rowley's speech resembled that of his real-life inspiration. At the end of a Christmas episode the caption revealed that he has died. "Rowley Birkin QC 1918 – 2000"; however, despite this on-screen demise he appeared in the 2011 online specials.
• Roy and Renée, a northern couple, with endless chattering from Renée and subdued nodding from her quiet, submissive husband Roy, whom she expects to agree meekly with everything she says. Roy always embarrasses her at the end of every sketch, after which he gets a stinging reprimand from his wife. She makes her last appearance in the show during the 1996 Christmas Special, when Roy's mother finally gives in to holding back the resentment towards Renée's smug attitude.
• Rubbish Dad, the father and opposite of Brilliant Kid who proclaims everything to be "rubbish." He is usually only seen in an industrial scrapheap area. The only things he does like are Elvis, Hitler and Des Lynam.
• Swiss Toni, a car salesman who, usually in the presence of his bemused trainee Paul, compares everything to seducing and making love to a beautiful woman. This was also the title of a short-lived spin-off sitcom, featuring Toni in the car dealership in which he worked. Swiss is the only non-original character in the show. He had previously appeared in the second series of The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer in 1995, which was produced by Higson and featured cameos from many members of The Fast Show. Charlie Higson stated that the voice was based on his own poor impersonation of Sean Connery.
• Ted and Ralph – country squire Lord Ralph Mayhew attempts to strike up an intimate relationship with his introverted Irish estate worker Ted, by way of subtle erotic subtexts in his conversations with him. Also the title of a one-off, hour-long spin-off feature, reprising the characters, with cameos from a few other characters.
• "You ain't seen me: right?", an unknown traveller who says "You ain't seen me, right?" to some minor characters in the show and sometimes the viewer. He comes up in the show in various locations, always wearing a sheepskin coat, and is at one point on Chanel 9 News sitting in the sports reporter's seat. He is also seen in the background when the Brilliant Kid walks past.

  Recurring characters and sketches

• Checkout Girl, a simple and chatty young woman working behind the till at a supermarket who passes comment on every item the customer buys regardless of the personal or sensitive nature of the product: "K-Y Jelly... bit of vaginal dryness?"
• Ed Winchester, an American reporter. He beams at the camera introduces himself, "Hi! I'm Ed Winchester!", in an upbeat voice. In one sketch, someone else introduced himself with "Hi! I'm Ed Winchester!" He later replied with "No I'm not. I don't know why I just said that.".
• Even Better Than That!, a slack-jawed, not too bright man who comes back from the shops with something ridiculously unnecessary instead of what his wife sent him out for. Written by Bob Mortimer.
• Sir Geoffrey Norman MP, a politician who responds to all questions as if he were performing on-air political damage limitation, refusing outright to answer the question, stonewalling or speaking in legal-ese to explain why he will not answer.
• Gideon Soames, white-haired, posh-talking architecture and history professor, possibly a cross between Simon Schama and Brian Sewell, with some elements of Bamber Gascoigne. Despite the serious tone of his speeches, their content becomes increasingly ridiculous.
• The Historian, a jubilant, but emotionally imbalanced man who patrols the corridors of an historic boys academy alone whilst telling tall tales about former traditions both cruel and unreasonable.
• Six Hours In Make-Up an over-the-top thespian describes his character and mentions that he needs to spend six hours being made up when actually it takes a few seconds
• Monster Monster, a vampire who creeps up on a slumbering woman and gives her betting advice. The set-up is a parody of a scene from the 1922 German classic horror film Nosferatu, while the vampire's voice and catchphrase of "Monster, monster" are based on Eric Hall.
• Roger Nouveau Football Fan, a man who seems to talk a lot about football as if a true Arsenal supporter, but makes it glaringly obvious he knows nothing about the game.
• The Hurried Poor, a father, mother and two children only seen in extremely short sketches in which they are rushing from place to place in a panic for no apparent reason.
• Shagging Couple, a childless couple who are seen in the midst of sexual intercourse, much to the discomfort of their neighbours, in, among other places, a tent in a sports shop, a tree in the park, and even on a bed being carried by removal men as they move into the neighbourhood.
• Inept Zookeeper, a zookeeper who is frightened or disgusted by virtually every aspect of his job and is thus rendered unable to perform his tasks properly.
• Young at heart, A group of outwardly serious and professional executives who converse in often complex financial terminology until one is distracted by an excavator at a building site or a cute picture in the company calendar, and start acting like little kids.
• The Unpronouncables!, a parody of the black and white Gangster film in which the cast have great difficulty with the 'lingo' and pronouncing their unusual nicknames.

  Johnny Depp

Filming locations

• Alnwick
• Ashington, Northumberland – at least two scenes involving Unlucky Alf and one involving Brilliant Kid were filmed on Station Road there.
• Barnard Castle - Barnard Castle Boarding School was used.
• Blyth – at least one scene featuring Unlucky Alf on a bus.
• Darlington – the childhood home of Jim Moir whose long-term comedy partner Bob Mortimer was one of the writers. "The Running Family" were shown around various locations in the town centre, including the Cornmill Centre The Cornmill and High Street were in scenes involving Brilliant Kid. Binns Department Store was also featured in sketches involving Arabella Weir.
• Durham – the marketplace was featured in scenes involving Brilliant Kid.
• Hartlepool – one Unlucky Alf scene had him sitting in the empty Rink End Stand of Hartlepool United's ground, Victoria Park. Also, one Ed Winchester scene was in front of the Mill House Stand. Some of the Brilliant Kid scenes were also filmed at nearby Seal Sands.
• Keld, North Yorkshire – the campsite was used in a Dave Angel scene.
• Langley Park – Railway Street was used in Unlucky Alf scenes.
• Middlesbrough – its docks were used in "Chip Cobbs" scenes, others scenes were shot on the Transporter Bridge and the Riverside Stadium. frequently used in other scenes.
• Newcastle upon Tyne – including the "Shore Leave" sketch, the scene where Chris the Crafty Cockney steals the woman's suitcases, and some of the Sir Geoffrey Norman MP sketches, such as the one where he is pulled over by a policeman for speeding and the one where he refuses to pay the taxi driver after getting out of the car. One Ed Winchester scene was near Monument station. One scene from the Brilliant Kid showed him in Exhibition Park. Many scenes involving Janine Carr, filmed in greyscale, used the backdrop of the concrete flyover and underpasses of the junction of the A167 and the B1318 of the Great North Road in Jesmond. A few scenes were filmed inside the Newcastle City Library.
• Ormesby Hall – background in early Ted and Ralph scenes.
• Redcar – scenes with Brilliant Kid walking along the beach. Also Mark Williams appears in a caravan park near South Gare, with the steelworks in the distance.
• Richmond – its marketplace was used in Ted and Ralph's trip to the shops.
• Scotch Corner – its garage used in Swiss Toni's early scenes.
• Seaton Carew – one "You ain't seen me, right?" scene had the main character sitting on a child's ride in one of the seafront amusement arcades.
• The Spanish City, Whitley Bay, Tyne and Wear – a number of scenes involving Brilliant Kid.
• Stockton On Tees – Swiss Toni scenes, filmed at a car showroom on Norton Road.
• Washington.

• Scenes with Brilliant Kid and Billy Bleach were shot with Iceland's volcanic landscapes, waterfalls and hot springs in the background.

  Transmissions

Related programming

Online series

Home media releases

VHS Releases

• "The Fast Show" - A compilation of all the best bits from Series 1.
• "The Fast Show: Series 2, Part One" - Contains Episodes 1-3
• "The Fast Show: Series 2, Part Two" - Contains Episodes 4-7
• "The Fast Show: The Christmas Special" - Contains an extended version of the 1996 Christmas Special with 10 minutes of previously unshown footage
• "The Fast Show: Series 3, Part One" - Contains Episodes 1-4
• "The Fast Show: Series 3, Part Two" - Contains Episodes 5-8

  DVD Releases

• The Fast Show: Series 1
• The Fast Show: Series 2
• The Fast Show: Series 3 and 1996 Christmas Special
• The Fast Show: The Last Fast Show Ever, Part One .
• The Fast Show Live
• The Fast Show Farewell Tour
• The Ultimate Fast Show Collection

  VHS/DVD Edits

• The first Roy & Renée sketch is removed from the 2007 The Ultimate Fast Show Collection DVD boxset, and only included on the original Series 1 2002 DVD release.
• The band Level 42 performing their song "Forever Now" during the end credits is included on the original Series 1 2002 DVD release, but was removed from The Ultimate Fast Show Collection DVD boxset.

• On-screen captions and graphics for various sketches for the entire Series 2 are removed from the 2007 The Ultimate Fast Show Collection DVD boxset. However, Episode 1 from the original Series 2 2003 DVD release retains all these. All VHS and DVD releases of Series 2 have added "Chanel 9"-style episode numbers over the first sketch of each episode.
• Ken and Kenneth sketch signature background music "Some Enchanted Evening" performed by The Mantovani Orchestra has been replaced with similar sounding music for the 2007 The Ultimate Fast Show Collection DVD boxset and The Fast Show 2 Audio CD. The original Series 2 2003 DVD release retains the original music.
• "I'll Get Me Coat" sketch originally included Simply Red's song "Fairground" playing in the background, but has been replaced with similar-sounding instrumental music for the 2007 The Ultimate Fast Show Collection DVD boxset. The original Series 2 2003 DVD release retains the original song.

• All sketches featuring Fred Halibut & His Little Banjolele have been removed due to music rights as the character is singing songs by Prince. Songs sung are "Gett Off", "Cream", "Darling Nikki" and "Sexy MF".
• During "The Cute Disabled Man" sketch , Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." has been replaced by instrumental rock music.

• The Chanel 9 A Question of Sport'' parody butchery sequence is extended by 7 seconds on DVD compared to the original broadcast version.

• The original broadcast version features George Michael's "Careless Whisper" played in the background during one of the Colin Hunt sketches, which has been replaced with an alternate instrumental track on the Extended Version.

• The original broadcast version features Louis Armstrong's version of "What a Wonderful World" played at the end of the "I'm not Pissed" family sketch as they contemplate their New Year's resolution of "giving up the drink", which has been replaced home media releases with a cover of the song by another artist.

  "You Ain't Seen These, Right!"

• Mid-Life Crisis Man – an ensemble series of sketches made by the whole male team playing members of a golf club. Charlie Higson's character, initially appearing as a "henpecked" scruffy loser, leaves his wife and begins dating a beautiful young woman. The rest of the team are initially dismissive of him as a sad old man particularly when he begins wearing unsuitable clothes, getting tattoos and having his belly button pierced. They become much more interested however when his girlfriend invites one of her equally attractive friends to the lads night out.
• Ranting Man – a chain-smoking car driver played by Mark Williams rants about anything and everything through his wound-down window. "Shoe shop?! Shoe Shop?!" He drives around in Harlesden, London. A study in road rage.
• The King – a sketch about a medieval king played by Simon Day, who "loves being king" because he gets to boss everyone about.
• A sketch about a middle-aged man, played by John Thomson, who always finds an excuse to leave the room as soon as the conversation gets round to "women's things."
• Shagging Man – a Paul Whitehouse character responds to almost every question, accusation and situation with the phrase "Sorry, but I was up all night, shagging."